


still yes

by teddylupln



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bi Remus, Gay Sirius, M/M, in a bittersweet way, kinda emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 10:18:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14850902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddylupln/pseuds/teddylupln
Summary: it's always been their thing, for remus to reassure sirius of his love"in case you were wondering, the answer is still yes"





	still yes

It was Their Thing. Sure, Remus told all his closest friends that he loved them , but it wasn’t exactly the same. With Sirius, it was different. Not just because eventually Remus realized that he _felt_ fundamentally different towards Sirius. But also because the way it came about was always different.

 

It had started in fifth year, after Sirius’ little “prank” led Snape to the Shrieking Shack during a full moon. It was days later, after Remus had finally decided he’d have to go back to classes. He hadn’t known if he’d even be able to go about his day without breaking down. But he talked briefly with James and Peter at lunch and tried to ignore the guilty silence coming from Sirius across the table.

 

That night, in the dorm, the other two came back late. And looking back on it, Remus could guess that they’d done so on purpose, because it gave Sirius and Remus a chance to talk.

 

“Remus,” Sirius started, looking down at his hands. “I know this doesn’t help… But I’m so sorry.”

 

Remus didn’t say anything. He couldn’t.

 

Sirius himself looked like he was ready to cry. “I know I’m a real asshole, and you should be angry with me.”

 

“Obviously,” Remus said simply, keeping his voice low. “It’s going to take some time, Sirius.”

 

“Yeah.” Sirius swallowed and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Do you think… I mean, will you ever trust me again?”

 

“I don’t know right now. I don’t really feel like talking to be honest.” Remus had gotten up to head to the bathroom before going to bed. But seeing Sirius’ face, added “But I still love you, Sirius. It’ll be okay.”

 

He was trying to reassure both of them. At that point, he left, but not before hearing Sirius choke back a sob. And he wanted to forgive him instantly, wished that he could, but his heart still hurt, and he couldn’t.

 

After that, it was Their Thing, for Remus to reassure Sirius of his love.

 

Sometimes it was a joke, like when Sirius did some dumb shit, like when he ruined their transfiguration project by killing the worm they were using. But sometimes it was real, like when Sirius broke down, like when he came out as gay to Remus. And Remus knew he should’ve told him then how much he _really_ loved Sirius, different than the others, but he’d just hugged him instead. (Remus had come out to the others as bi years earlier, and maybe that’s why Sirius confided in Remus alone at first.)

 

“Do you still love me?” Sirius would say.

 

And of course: “Yes,” Remus would say. Always.

 

Some things had changed during the First Wizarding War. Suspicions ran high all around, and Remus tried to avoid all of that, but at a point, it became impossible. Looking back on it, he should’ve known that the betrayer hadn’t been Sirius. Just as Sirius should’ve known it hadn’t been Remus. But they hadn’t known. They’d grown further apart than ever during the war, and it clearly killed the both of them, but that was how the war worked. It destroyed things… relationships, people. (Lily. James.)

 

Other things hadn’t changed. Sirius may not have trusted Remus. Remus may not have trusted Sirius. But Remus never doubted that they loved one another. He’d loved all of them then. Sirius, James, and Peter. He couldn’t have stopped if he’d wanted to.

 

The last time he’d talked to Sirius alone before That Night was stuck vividly and stubbornly in Remus’ mind for those lonely twelve years that followed. And every day until he knew Sirius was innocent, he wondered how much of it had been real.

 

“Do you still love me?” Sirius had asked. His face was blank, and he picked at his nails, pretending not to care. Remus knew better.

 

Remus was in his room of their awkwardly shared flat (after James’ marriage, they’d moved in together), packing a trunk, ready to leave for Order business the next day. During the last weeks, months, they fought over almost anything, taking out their stress on one another. Sirius didn’t seem to trust Remus anymore, always asking suspiciously where he’d been. Remus, frankly, didn’t know whether or not he could trust Sirius either. The war made them all suspects. So when Sirius asked, he sighed. He closed his trunk, clasping it shut.

 

“Why?” He asked. He’d never asked before. Before, it had always been immediate.

 

Sirius shrugged. “Never mind.”

 

“Yes,” Remus sighed once again, exasperated. “Yes. Of course.” He grabbed his things and walked past Sirius to the door.

 

“I thought you didn’t leave until tomorrow.”

 

Remus turned back to look at Sirius. He could tell his friend was struggling, could see a sort of storm in his eyes, and he wanted to help him, he really did. But he knew _he_ couldn’t help. The longer he stayed, the further apart he felt them drifting from one another.

 

“Well,” Remus said. “Might as well get a head start, right?”

 

“I suppose so…” Sirius leaned back against the wall.

 

“Right. Well, see you.” Remus nodded, turning back towards the door.

 

“See you.”

 

And that was it. For twelve years.

 

It took Remus a long time to figure out how to function without any of his closest friends, all lost in one night. But he did it, eventually.

 

And then, twelve years later, he got one of those friends back. But Sirius was clearly changed, scarred. Twelve years in Azkaban could do that to a person. Hell, twelve years outside of Azkaban could do that to a person.

 

On his first night staying at Grimmauld Place, they hardly talked before retreating to their separate rooms, and Remus thought maybe things were _too_ changed, that maybe they’d never be the same again.

 

But after lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep, Remus got up, going down to the kitchen only to find that he wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping.

 

Sirius stood by the stove, holding a glass of water in one hand and his wand in the other. He gave Remus a forced smile and an almost sarcastic wave.

 

“Can’t sleep, either?” Remus asked.

 

“I can hardly remember what a night of good sleep feels like.” Sirius took a gulp of water.

 

Remus nodded slowly, not sure what to say to that. And looking at his friend, the only one really left, regardless of lost time, he felt an overwhelming urge to remind Sirius of who they used to be. And that some things hadn’t changed— would never change.

 

“In case you were wondering, the answer is still yes,” he said, looking Sirius in the eyes.

 

Sirius let out a sigh of a laugh at that, setting down his water. He knew, of course, what Remus meant.“You don’t have to say that, Remus. I’m not looking for pity, and I know it’s been a long time. You hardly know me anymore.”

 

“No, that’s not true.” Remus cleared his throat. “It’ll… always be a yes.”

 

Sirius smiled at that, and although it certainly wasn’t the kind of full, giddy smile from their hogwarts years, it was still better than the forced one. His eyes seemed just a little less empty.

 

“Well, thank you, anyways.” Sirius got another cup and filled it with water then, letting the silence between them draw out. And, after handing Remus the water, he said “It’s always been a yes with you too, you know.”

 

Remus smiled. And with his smile, it wasn’t quite the same either. But it was enough in that moment. It was something. And Remus wondered if maybe things would work out after all. If things could work out between Sirius and himself. And he let himself hope that everything would be okay.

 

(But, of course, we all know what happened.)

**Author's Note:**

> yes I reposted this shh
> 
> if u liked this, pls leave a comment! :^) thanks for reading!


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